So these last few days, I have been feeling very confused. You may ask about what, but it's a difficult one to explain. Mostly because everything seems to be confusing me right now.
I'm in a very strange head space right now, where I don't really know what I want, or what I am meant to be doing or anything, really; and although I completely stick by what I said last week about it being okay to not know your next step, when you're in it, it's pretty difficult.
Let's be real though- it's my own fault it's difficult, and that's because of one key factor.
I overthink absolutely everything.
Then throughout my secondary school days and teen years, I had raging paranoia and anxiety. Like, sooooooo ridiculously paranoid. About everything. I would read into every action and interaction I had, every word that was or was not spoken, body language, whether someone spent more time with someone else than me.... I had an absolute gift of being able to make myself feel dreadful over something that was actually really rather little.
Over the years, I have learned to deal with this somewhat better, and I'm actually pretty confident in my identity, and try not to worry as much about what others think of me. I often fail, but regardless of that, I am a lot lot better than I was a couple of years ago, and anybody who has known me through that time and through that process, can confirm that (Alex and George can both definitely confirm that!)
Anyway, even now, I can still have days/ months/ indeterminable periods of time, where my brain implodes and I overthink everything.
This has happened to me this week, and it was very unexpected, and the way in which it's happened/ the way it has made me feel, is something I don't actually recall having had before. Maybe I have, but not very often.
Anyway, I don't want to go into too much detail, because this is something that I don't know if I'm quite ready to share on the internet (just because everything is so up in the air and I'm v v confused right now), but the long and short of it is this- at the start of the week I heard some news that I was never really expecting to hear. Because of this news, there are possibilities in my life that I never considered possibilities, and now they might be. AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. My mind was sent into a whirlwind as soon as I heard this news, and I'm just feeling very confused about what it is I want in life right now, or for a while... I don't even know.
Anyway, the thing I'm trying to do right now in life is to not actually make any set in stone decisions. My philosophy has been for the last few months (since the incident with the male that I don't really mention on the blog anymore because I'm over it and don't need to rant anymore) is to keep every door open, and just see what God wants to do in my life, rather than trying to force the things I want, or forcing myself to want things (or people) because I feel like I deserve to.
If I want to stick at this philosophy, the thing I really need to do is to stop overthinking. Stop letting my brain get so cluttered with so many things which are actually rather irrelevant right now, and should not be anywhere near the top of my list of priorities to be honest.
I said this to Alex over the phone yesterday in regards to advice about her 'waiting period' in this time whilst being both out of uni and unemployed; and really I need to take my own advice. Anyway- what I said was: take every day as it comes, one at a time, and just think about the things that actually need to be dealt with, as they arise. Well, words to that effect.
Yeah- this blog didn't really have a point. Sorry about that. Truthfully, I just felt that my confusion may be battled if i aggressively poke a load of laptop keys.
I'm still very confused, to be honest. This hasn't helped that much.
I hope it's helped you at least.
I hope that very soon I'll learn the art of taking my own advice, and will stop overthinking the little things in life. For now, I'll stick to fixing other people's lives to distract myself from the fact that I'm a mess. :) :) :) :) :)
Genuinely though, jokes aside, as confused and lost as I am right now, and as much as I'd love to have some direction; I'm not actually worried per say. I trust that everything will work out alright, and actually- it was a picture on Alex's twitter yesterday that reminded me of that. But since then, I've also turned to the Bible (that good old Holy book), and found some solace there. Most cliche and overquoted verse ever, bar John 3v16 of course, but I have found a lot of comfort in Jeremiah 29: 11. If you have a Bible in the house, go check it. If not, Google will hook you up with the reference.
I'm going to stop now. Alex would say that I'm doing that thing again. That thing I do when I'm tired and I just don't shut up. Like even more so than usual.
Until a time very soon, when I'm hopefully less confused;