3 posts in a row from me?? You guys must be fed up of my face! Don't worry, the other two aren't dead, well as far as i know, and they should be back with their much more exciting posts soon. So sorry about that.
Also sorry in advance for this post... I know that you've all heard enough about my pathetic excuse of a love life, but there's just a little bit more I need to get off my chest. After this, I will shut up about this stupid male.
At least for a while?
The problem is, this last week or so, I have realised that I have not dealt with this nearly as well as I thought I had. As you may recall, when this first went down, I wrote a blog post called 'Pick Yourself Up and Dust Yourself Off' in which I stated that I was going to shrug this off, keep it cool and move on. And I tried to... well the first two things at least. I kept strong, I knew everything was fine so did my best not to let it get to me, and when I was with him I kept up the pretense he'd created that nothing had ever happened. I didn't even cry about it once, which is a massive deal for me because I'm that loser who cries at everything [including but not limited to Disney movies and songs from musicals]. And so I went on with my life, I was in a good place and all was well.
However, after a while, if you keep all your feelings pent up, and try to tell yourself that everything is okay when you're actually really hurting, that sadness catches up to you; which is how I went from my no crying streak, to crying about this situation once or twice in the last week alone. Okay, okay, it was three times, but who's counting?
I've been trying to work out why it's suddenly hit me so strong, and really it's a mixture of two elements. 1. I tried to avoid the problem by focusing on all of these other problems, some of which weren't even mine to deal with. Classic Rehana Nurmahi move right there, and 2. I chose not to move on and let go.
Admittedly, I've always had a problem with letting go of things. I'm that person who has clothes in their cupboard that don't actually fit anymore but I've kept anyway because they have sentimental value. I'm that person who rereads the last page of a book a million times because I don't want the story to end just yet. I'm the fool that cried on my last day of school. See... I struggle with moving on. However, this is something completely new to me, and I have to say that I wasn't expecting it to be this difficult.
It shouldn't be so difficult; he has already said that we're just friends, that should be that and I should accept that and move on. I've learnt that it's so much easier to say than do, because I just don't seem to be able to shift my feelings. It's like I'm hanging on to this tiny shred of hope that one day he'll change his mind, and though I keep saying that I don't mind if he doesn't, if that were completely true, I'd stop wasting my time on a silly little fantasy. If I'm being honest with myself, which I need to be, he's probably not going to change his mind and suddenly love me back. Well, not in the way that I want him to, at least. So the fact that I'm still refusing to move on is so stupid and a little bit unfair. I keep making excuses saying "Oh it's fine, I just need to speak to him about things and then I'll have closure", or "I just need him to get with someone else and then I'll be able to move on" and like I said- those are excuses. The only thing holding myself back from moving on, is my refusal to do so.
Other people have tried to give me advice on how to do this: one person said, just force yourself to be over him, another said talk to new guys, and third said to give myself space from him. I don't think any of those things will work for me, though. That's the problem with this whole unrequited feelings thing; there has not yet been a formula discovered to get through it painlessly and with ease. You've just got to brave the waters, and pray you'll make it to shore alright, which although I can't see right now- I'm sure I will. Although there is quite literally nothing in the world I want more right now than to be in a relationship with this person; I have to move on. For a long time, I've told myself that I owe to him to move on, because of how understanding and kind he's been about the whole thing, but I don't owe him anything- not really. I do owe it to myself though. It's not fair for me to continually hurt about this when I really don't need to, because as I have repeatedly said throughout this whole situation; it could have gone so much worse, and at the end of the day, I still have an amazing and wonderful friend who is there for me and will continue to be in my life for a while. I think my other main issue has been the fact that I have tried to do this all in my own strength, which is an impossible feat. I am so hopelessly human, and I can't do this on my own. I'm allowed to lean on others for support, and I don't even have to deal with this myself. As much as it sounds like (and is) one of the biggest Christian cliches on the planet, I need to lay my troubles down at the foot of the cross, and leave them to God to handle. I could be doing way better things with my time than worrying.
Anyway, I think I have word vomited enough on this page, so I guess I should conclude. Letting go and moving on is extremely hard, especially when it feels like you're giving up on something/ someone. However, you owe it to yourself to be truthful and honest about the situation, and if it's going nowhere, get yourself out of there! It's not healthy to wait around for something that may never happen. I know that sounds depressing as anything, but it isn't necessarily. You just need to look at things through a different lens, and make the most of the opportunities presented to you already. Reality isn't always the worst option.
Hoping I find some peace, and already feeling a weight off my shoulders by writing this,