So as many of you know, I live at home and study in my home town for university. There are many pros to this, but also many cons. When the holidays roll round, I seem to only be able to reflect on the cons. It's like- all of my uni friends have this other life at home, in a different city, and they get all excited to go back and be a part of that other life again.
And I'm still here. I'm always here. Same town, same house, a lot of the same people. Don't get me wrong, I love my city and I love the people I have in my life in it, but it's just kinda like... Is this it for me? Is this going to be all my life is?
Easter hasn't been as hard as Christmas was, but as we hit nearly 2 weeks away from uni life, I'm starting to feel it again...
However, it doesn't change the fact that now, only half way through my holidays, I am beginning to experience what can only be described as withdrawals from my uni life. I've been feeling rather low, and finding myself really really missing my university friends. It's hard for me knowing that Southampton, for most of them, is their second home- not primary one, and for a lot of them, it will just be a temporary spot rather than a permanent place to call home.
Southampton is all I've ever known as home, and I'm starting to get scared that maybe, because I didn't leave now, maybe I'll never have the balls to leave. Not that there's anything wrong with that- I love this town and I feel proud to be from here. That doesn't change the fact though that I don't want to be in the same place my entire life. I want to go places and be someone in those places- I want to leave a mark in other places. Is that crazy?
My life at university is separate from my home life in some ways, and it definitely does feel different to the way I was living before, but i'm still in the same house I've always been in. I do like being my home and my family, but I guess where it's where I always am, I never get the chance to fully miss it and appreciate it in the way that you would if you go away for uni.
In all honesty, I think the reason I find it hardest is for two reasons. A) It serves as a reminder that I didn't get into the university I put as first choice, and there will always be the 'what ifs' of that live that could've been lived if I had got the grades. B) Where I'm not hearing from my uni friends as much as I'd like, it's a reminder that they have so much more life outside this city than I do. Sure I have my home friends, but whenever I refer to them as such, uni friends with laugh and say 'yeah, you're home friends who only live 10 minutes from here'. I try and see my school friends when I can, and that's both in and out of term time, but I guess I always know that they're there whenever I miss them too much. Whereas now, the people I miss are dispersed all around the UK: Bridgend, Birmingham, London, Guildford, South Buckinghamshire... I can't just pop round. When these are people you see on average 3/4 times a week, and then you have a month of nothing- it's a shock to the system to be honest.
I'm going to make the most of the rest of the holidays, as I should do, because I have some awesome things coming up with my home friends, that I cannot wait for.
I'm going to push it down and accept that yes, my friends have lives in other cities and that's okay.
Yes, I'm still here, but that's okay too. Life is what I make of it, I guess, and there's plenty more of it left to live. Where I'm going from here, who knows? But whether it's 5 minutes from here of 5 hours- it's not about the place, it's about the people and the memories and the marks I leave there.
I'll still find it hard, but sometimes, you've got to just take these things with a pinch of salt, and reflect on something else.
until another time,