It's hard to let go of our dreams, especially when we hold on to them so tightly before they're taken from us. But if it's decided that the thing you wanted isn't the thing that God wanted for you, then I guess the only thing you really can do is take a deep breath, a step back and ask him what he wants you to do next.
I shared earlier tonight at Christian Union about my year which has gone from God constantly sending me signs about waiting (Psalm 27:14), to me now reading those Biblical moments where His people say "Here I am. Send me" and relating entirely- feeling so ready to step out and do something massive. The reason I shared it was to reiterate the idea that God knows when we're ready much better than we do, and sometimes, waiting it out is the only way to reach the thing we are meant to be doing. As my mother pointed out when I got home, I pretty much taught myself the lesson that needed to be heard right now.
I don't necessarily think I'm the kind of person to be a brat when I don't get the things that I want. After many things not going your way though, it can be tough not to get frustrated. I think actually the thing that gets me most, and the question that I seem to find myself asking from it all is this: "God, why can't you just make me want the things that you want for me?" It's a constant wondering why he lets me build up these dreams and hopes, only to have them torn down in front of me,
I completely trust that there is a reason though. Maybe it's just character building, or maybe it's as a friend of mine said, and that I need this pain to shape who I am. Either way, I'm pushing it away from myself and trusting that I'll learn a valuable lesson from this, as I have with all the disappointments I have had recently. Maybe one day I'll finally get something I want. Or maybe I'll keep wanting the wrong things and God will just have to nudge me down the right path again and again. Either way, I guess it's back to playing the waiting game for now. And I have to remind myself that actually, that's okay.