This is just a quick one, but an important one.
If you feel like you need to have a specific conversation with someone to help you deal with your feelings- I beg of you; HAVE THE CONVERSATION.
It rang. After I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to pick up, the ringing stopped, and I heard his usual stupid phone answering voice say "Hello?"
"Hey, are you busy?" I said, trying to hide the fact that my heart was beating ten times faster than usual.
"I'm working at the moment."
"Okay, never mind, it can wait"
"No, what's up?" I could hear the confusion, but also a hint of concern.
"Seriously no worries. Actually... yes worry, because I really need to say this."
Then I made irrelevant and ambiguous noises down the phone until I had the courage to come out and say what was bothering me. Then I just said it. The words flew out at rapid speed, a flurry of venting and hurt and upset and confusion and awkwardness. And once I paused for breath, the phone went silent for a while, and he said,
"I don't know know what to say."
Way to help with the awkwardness, buddy.
Anyway, I vented a bit more, and then we talked about other stuff, and then I brought the conversation back to us -and actually got him to talk about and acknowledge it!!!- and by the end of our 40 minutes worth of conversation, I felt like it had been established where we stand and that the best thing now for us to do is to move forward. Both of us, together, putting the whole thing in the past but not pretending that it didn't happen. Kinda like that scene in episode 13 of Daredevil with Matt and Foggy in the gym (but also kinda not like that scene at all, because I only told him that I had feelings for him; not that I'm a superhero unfortunately).
It felt so freeing getting off the phone with him, because I had finally said all that I needed to say. I had finally forced him to acknowledge that things hadn't stayed the same, as he said they would. He finally admitted that it had been awkward when it didn't need to be. I finally got my closure.
I really hope he felt the same way about it, even though I put him through such an uncomfortable phone call.
I guess we'll find out when I see him later.