I've been thinking though, maybe if I thought of the harder parts- the random outbursts of crying, the days where I have to literally force myself out of bed, the times where I dwell on the things I know I need to let go of- as moments too, rather than a full picture, it would easier to see past it.
The thing is, I have no doubt that I'll get through this. Maybe that's just because I have faith and I completely trust that God's plan for me is great and it will come to fruition in the perfect time. However, I do see this time of being depressed as just as season. It doesn't make it any less painful while I'm in it, but it does make it a lot easier to try and see past it.
Until then, I'll have good days and I'll have bad days. There'll be days when I wake up ready to face the world and fight my demons and sing until my voice gives out. Then there'll also be the days where I don't want to see anyone and I don't have anything to offer and I just need to let out all my hurt and frustration at the world, because I reflect on everything that's ever gone wrong for me. The in-between moments, and the overarching feeling throughout all of this though, is a persistent 'eh, I'm okay' feeling. Because I know me, and I know that I'll pull through, like I always do. However, I don't feel happy enough to say that I'm good. It's kind of like living life in colour, but not in full HD.
I'm the kind of person who always tries to focus on what they can give rather than what they can gain. However, when you're hurting and you feel like there's nothing left of you to give, it can be very frustrating and disheartening, and I become very angry and upset with myself because I feel useless. Each day though, I have to remind myself that I am not, and that bright things are on the horizon, if only I can wait for them.
Somebody was praying for me about this over the weekend, and they got the image of a stone being thrown at a window, and the glass all being cracked. The stone didn't break the window though. The view on the other side of the window was the same, but my perspective had been changed by the cracks. As long as I keep reminding myself that the view hasn't changed, and I don't allow the stone to damage the window any more, I'll be okay.
It's going to be lot harder than just saying that, but as always, I'll pull through.
If you have ever been in this position, or are even in it now, I can tell you this: There'll be good days. Revel in them. There'll be bad days. Learn to bear them. You're okay. You're going to be better than okay. I believe in you.