I don't understand what seems to be so difficult. Multiple friends have said, "Why don't you just say 'Hi' to him?" and you would think that this is sound logic, but it never seems to go down too well with my brain. I mean, every time I resolve to talk to him, I instead don't, and somehow manage to have a conversation with someone else who I manage to get to know better. And back to stage one... Part of it is probably the fact that I've built this person up to be way more exciting than they are. I mean, I'm sure he's pretty regular and normal, but for some reason, I can not help but admire and look up to this person. I'm not saying it's wrong to admire people, but when it dehumanises them, it's not helpful to you or them. One of my favourite John Green quotes is "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person", and I think that in my determination to get to know this person, I've forgotten that they are in fact just another person.
Part of me just wants to straight up say, "I think you're pretty cool, and I would love to spend time with you and get to know you better," but is that weird? I mean, is it socially acceptable to message somebody who's more of an acquaintance than a friend and just say that? I don't think it is, and if it is, I probably need to do it in a much more strategic way. I don't know why there's such weirdness about it- surely it's natural to be compelled by certain personalities? But ya know, social norms and etiquette and that. There seems to be further social rules in place for male/female interaction, and I think that's confusing what's okay and what's not even more.
As well as this, I think a big part of the reason I'm so scared of trying to make a new friend is one of the most common reasons I get scared of anything: "What if I'm not good enough?" I mean, I have some friends that I have been close to for months, years, some even for the majority of my life, and I still get spells where I genuinely don't feel like I'm cool enough to be friends with them. I panic and worry that I'm a burden, and that I'm just that friend they have on the side when the cool group are off doing other cool things with other cool people. It's something that's seemed to creep in a bit more again recently, and maybe it's subconsiously had an influence on how I approach these new situations with new people. I'm not necessarily uncomfortable with who I am, in fact I'm rather fond of little old Han, I guess I just feel inferior in comparison to the much prettier, more popular, more exciting friends I have. As well as this, I do get friend jealous on Samwise Gamgee levels, so yet again another reason why I'm intimidated by friends.
In my last blog post, I talked a lot about friends coming in and out of your life when you need them to. Admittedly, it could be said that I'm trying too hard (not just with this friendship but with others) to maintain, or even create, something that's not naturally prevalent. However, I know that right now, I just want to know this person better, and I don't want to give up just yet.
Maybe I should rework on my thinking about it, or maybe I should just stop thinking about it and flipping say 'hello' like a normal person... Eh, I don't know. I just want to know them better and I just wanted to vent about it.
I'll let you know if I ever get less awkward.